Choosing to place your baby for adoption is one of the hardest decisions you’ll ever make, and one most women struggle with. Even if you feel it is right for you, you may be concerned about how the baby’s biological father will react. Do you have to tell him, and does he have to consent to the adoption? What if he doesn’t agree?
In Texas, the biological father has legal rights as a parent. We always recommend discussing your adoption plan with him, if you can. This allows him the opportunity to participate in the process, including voluntarily relinquishing his rights and receiving counseling to help him process his emotions. He can also participate in an open adoption, even if you are not together anymore. (Not on good terms with the father? That’s OK. We can have the conversation for you.)
Bringing up adoption to your baby’s father can be nerve-wracking. Here are some tips on how to get the conversation started.
Plan What You Want to Say
You’ve probably spent a lot of time thinking about your options, and looking into adoption. You may have even written out a list of pros and cons. But because this is a very emotional conversation, sometimes those logical thoughts go quickly out the window. Write down a few key points about why you feel placing for adoption is the best option. What are your top reasons? Some common reasons for considering placing are financial, you are already a single mom, not being in a relationship with the father, and oftentimes a lack of a support system to help raise the baby. Having your list handy will not only help you feel more calm, but you’ll be better prepared for the questions he may have.
Choose the Right Time and Place
Selecting the right time and place for this conversation is essential. Find a quiet and comfortable environment where both of you can feel relaxed and free from distractions. Avoid discussing this topic when either of you is stressed or tired. By choosing the right time and place, you can make sure that you both have enough time to express your thoughts and emotions without feeling rushed.
Start the Conversation
Starting the conversation about adoption can be challenging, but it is crucial to be honest, transparent, and compassionate. Begin by expressing your feelings and reasons for wanting to place your child for adoption, and then invite your partner to share their thoughts. Encourage open and non-judgmental communication, allowing each other to express themselves fully.
Recognize that he may have different thoughts, emotions, and concerns about adoption. Take the time to listen actively to his feelings and understand his perspective. This may have come as a big surprise to him, and he needs to process how he feels as well.
Acknowledge that you may have different perspectives and be prepared to discuss them openly. This will help you both gain a deeper understanding of each other’s motivations and concerns.
It is common for the initial reaction to be strong because it is a painful decision. The first stages of grief are denial and anger. Understand that he might need some time to process the idea of adoption. It might help to let him know you fully researched agencies and feel good about who you are working with. Let him know he can participate in an open adoption and counseling if he desires.
Because this is a very emotional conversation, sometimes those logical thoughts go quickly out the window. Write down a few key points about why you feel placing for adoption is the best option.
He may also be against the idea of adoption and refuse to engage in the conversation. This does not always mean you cannot move forward with your adoption plan. Your adoption specialist will be able to counsel you on your options.
Explore Options Together
If he is not on board with adoption right away, discuss the alternative of parenting. Consider what that would look like and how he would support a child. Some men are ready and willing to become single fathers, and they have the right to do so. Or you may decide that co-parenting would work for both of you. If so, what is he willing to commit to with child support and his availability to help you raise the baby?
Consider referring him to your adoption specialist to learn more about open adoption. This will provide him with valuable insights so that he can make an informed decision about the best path forward.
Seek Support and Guidance
Navigating the adoption process can be emotionally challenging, so it is crucial to seek support and guidance. Your adoption specialist can provide you both with a safe space to discuss your feelings and concerns, either together or individually.
Adoption Advocates is always here to help, no matter your situation. Ask your first question today by calling (512) 477-1122 or texting (512) 270-8415.
