When I first found out about B, I was in the ER for a completely different reason. The doctor came in and told me that my blood test was not wrong – despite my arguing that I was on birth control and having periods and it was like feeling my world fall apart. I’d always been someone who wanted to adopt because being pregnant was such a fear of mine. I cried for hours afterwards while being poked and prodded. I know now it was overwhelming fear disguised as denial. I was 19 years old and had no idea how I could recover from such an unplanned happening. I walked out of the hospital feeling like the entire course of my life had changed in two minutes.
After that night, it was really no question of what to do. I was scared, not financially stable, and only sure about my inability to raise a baby. I wanted them to have everything I never had growing up. Even if that meant not being around them.
At the time, I had no idea open adoptions were even something I could consider. I just thought I’d have to sacrifice seeing my baby so they could have the best life possible. It was a horrible pill to swallow. From that point on, I collected every resource I could and started researching agencies. With a notebook full of information, I reached out to Adoption Advocates with a hopeful heart. Their resources and bare-all attitude about the process blew me away. I felt heard. I felt safe.
When reaching out to AAI, I originally reached out about a couple who caught my attention with their similar ideas and openness to change. I was looking for couples who were progressive and like-minded in a sense that I knew my child would be free to make their own decisions and be loved that much more for making them. It was extremely difficult because every couple was overwhelmingly kind and good-hearted! In the end, the couple I reached out to about wasn’t the one I chose! The deciding factor was the ease and comfort that enveloped us when calling them. It truly was the meant-to-be kind of click.
When showtime arrived, she made it known she was gonna make an appearance one way or another! We chose to have the parents involved as much as possible. They got a room down the hall and made the entire process feel like a dream. We all had our quality time with her and discovered how much love a person could truly feel too. I watched them blossom into the most amazing parents right in front of my eyes. They were respectful and made sure we were comfortable every step of the way. They made the hospital stay amazing.
When they buckled her into her car seat and I watched them drive away, I truly lost every piece of myself. I felt like my life became a nightmare. I was a mother with no baby. I couldn’t do anything but cry for days. I didn’t want to get up. I didn’t want to wake up to not see her at my bedside still. It was a misery I would never wish on my worst enemy. Truly. I could never put the feeling into words. It was a dull ache, a sinking feeling, a hole not just in my heart but in my entire soul. It was a numbness but a pain at the same time every moment of the day. It was suffocating. Until it wasn’t.
They would upload pictures of her almost every day. I would look at her growing and feel like I was suffocating, because she was growing up every single day without me. I can’t pinpoint when the drowning feeling became such a feeling of pride. It was just suddenly a calm feeling of extreme love. They helped me heal by promising – and upholding each promise – to let me be a part of watching her grow through pictures, Facetimes and visits. I still have days where it stops me in my tracks but by deciding to get out of bed on the days where I feel lost – by deciding to love her and live for her, I have every confidence that I’m going to be okay.
I look forward to seeing B all the time now, but I also look forward to seeing her parents. Seeing how much they love and care for her makes me so sure that I made the best decision possible for everyone. They make sure to give the best updates, and make sure we get quality time with B every visit. They include us as often as they can, and have helped me heal just by being the most considerate people I know. I can’t wait to watch B grow up with her big family!
Having personally experienced adoption and its effects, I can really only speak highly of it. I’ve gained such an amazing family, and lifelong friends who are so supportive and inclusive of both our families. B is growing like a weed and I’m so fortunate to be a part of the process.
My advice for other women would definitely be don’t be scared of the process! When most people think about an adoption, they often have stigmas of not being a part of your baby’s life, but with Adoption Advocates, there are so many families who can’t wait to meet you and include you in their lives. There’s also so many resources available to help throughout the entire process. Don’t be afraid to reach out!
