This article is one in a series of three about good ideas I’ve heard over the 20 + years that I’ve worked with folks touched by adoption. This is by far the hardest to write about – “good ideas for birth parents” seems a trite phrase in the face of such huge and abiding losses. So I ask your forgiveness, and for you to hear the spirit behind the limited vocabulary.
When I ask myself the question “What’s a good idea for someone who has lost a child through adoptive placement (or who is considering placement for their child)?”, I think first about birthing. Birthing and parenting are certainly two different experiences in parenthood (in this case, motherhood). We live in a culture who has conditioned its women to have no power and no thoughts about birthing other than fear.
My dearest hope for those who are facing parting with a child after its birth, is that they can have a full experience of their role and of the child in the birth. I have a bumper sticker that says “Women of Earth, Take Back Your Birth” – and I understand just how powerful this message is. There are women who will not experience birthing – through choice or through calamity. For those who can and will, I encourage each one to actually be present and be transformed. No one can take this experience away from you, this miracle and this gift.
I’ve learned how important it is to name one’s child, to bestow through naming a certain kind of claiming, to send your child into their unknown future with something from their roots. For those of you who placed long ago – it’s not too late! Name your child for your own purposes and thoughts.
Ritualizing significant experiences is clearly something we humans need to do. Think of the possibilities with your birthparent-hood. Ceremonies at the time of placement, at the anniversary of the birth, at Mother’s Day and any time you wish is a powerful acknowledgement.
Write a letter to your child (each birthday if you wish) telling them what you hope for their lives.
Get a support group – it doesn’t have to be other birth parents – it can be any group of folks who can hear your loss and accept your feelings.
Confront the ghost of your past experience. This does not have to be in person, if that seems too hard or impossible. Again, you can write letters that will never be sent telling each “ghost” what their actions meant in your life. Social workers, clergy, parents, lawyers, nurses and doctors, etc. may have taken on larger than life proportions for you. Get rid of it.
Learn about the grief cycle. It helps to know you are not crazy. I close with these things I have learned about grief:
- Grief, forever and always, involves the longing for a different ending. This does not make you “stuck” – it is just the nature of enormous loss.
- Grief Fills the Room of My Absent Child (author unknown).
- The best we hope for with big losses is that we integrate them into WHO WE ARE. You aren’t going to “get rid of” your grief at not parenting one of the children you birthed, but you don’t have to lose yourself too. You are a birth parent…and a lot of other things. Have as good a life as humanly possible. Dream. Speak the truth. Laugh. Do service. Slow down and drink lots of water.
