Adoptive parents understand well that adoption is often accompanied by the management of intense emotions from both the adoptee and the birth family. The holiday season can heighten these feelings and present unique challenges for an adoptive family. As you plan fun festivities, hang decorations, bake holiday treats and get together with friends and family, consider taking some time to include the birth parents of your child in this special season.

In previous blog posts, we discussed common feelings of grief and loss experienced by birth families during the holidays as well as some of the feelings that might arise with your adopted child as Christmas approaches. It is important to keep these perspectives in mind as the holiday season approaches, especially within an open adoption.

Each relationship between adoptive family and birth family will be different. We reached out to some of our birth moms and adoptive families to see how they connect and show up for each either during the holiday season.

We Have a Special Christmas Visit Each Year

From a birth mother of a 12 year old:

“We don’t really have any traditions or in our adoptive family. Every year we meet for a Christmas visit, open gifts and spend a couple hours together. But this year will be a little different.

Open adoption is not easy. In fact, it can be downright complex, bittersweet, and very emotional. But when you throw some reindeer and Santa in the mix the holiday season can become even more complex and overwhelming. The number one goal of any open adoption is to do what’s best for the child.

We have celebrated an open adoption for 12 years now. I have always been hesitant to have them over to my place (my safe space). Not because I’m ashamed of where I live, but because I’m always on guard to make sure I don’t cross any lines. You see, if I see him in my home and my environment I will want him to stay because he fits in perfectly. And when I see him go it will just be harder. Boundaries are so very important in any type of relationship on both sides.

I have been to their home on multiple occasions and I love spending time with him in his safe space. But this year will be different. I am finally at a place where I can feel comfortable enough to have the visit in my home. And they are all onboard! So this year on December 26th at 11am my LM will see my tree, my lights, and all the trimmings I have used for the Christmas holiday over the years. Even though I will be stressed, anxious, excited, and wanting everything to be perfect, this will be a very special Christmas for me.”

We Include Our Children’s Birth Parents in Holiday Traditions

From an adopted dad with a 3, 8, and 9 year old:

“We don’t treat birth families any differently than the rest of our family — some members are closer and others more distant, some local and some far. So they’re just included in our general holiday activities like anyone else.

One of our birth families is in town, so we see them regularly throughout the year and they act basically like our own extended family. We always catch up with them for a separate present-opening session around Christmas, and this year they also joined us for Thanksgiving dinner. One of our birth families lives a few hours away, but has placed several children with different families in town. So a couple times a year they come to visit and we get all the adoptive families and kids together for a big gathering, usually something outdoors. When that happens around Christmas we’ll also do a gift exchange. Finally, we’re in touch with all three of our birth families, so for times like Christmas or birthdays we’ll sometimes send them a video of the kids singing or saying hi, or we’ll set up a Zoom chat so they can see each other.”

“It can be hard to sit in the pain in the middle of such a festive season and for so many years I had avoided those feelings, but I truly believe it is the most honoring thing I can do for my kids.”

We Help Our Adopted Children Feel Connected

From a mother of 3 adopted children ages 4, 5, and 5 months, as well as with biological children ages 15 months  and 2.5 years old:

I am someone who has always loved holiday traditions and the idea of celebrating with my family. Our first Christmas with our oldest, I felt a tug that creating traditions would be helpful for her to feel safe and connected in our family. It has evolved over the years as we had more kids and a global pandemic in the middle of that. A few things that we do: 

• We all go together to buy a real tree at Whole Foods during the week of Thanksgiving
• We make hot chocolate and then start the process of decorating the tree and hanging the stockings. It takes a few days but they love being involved!
• Practicing Advent is important to our family so we make it fun with candles and finding Mary on the mantle each night. They also get to open their Christmas pajamas the first night we celebrate Advent.
• A few other things we have picked up along the way: paper chain countdown to Christmas (each chain has someone we are thankful for), one big night of Christmas light looking, same Christmas Eve dinner every year (with fancy plates of course) , cinnamon rolls the morning of Christmas while we open gifts (we encourage opening gifts one at a time), and giving a gift to someone in need.

These different traditions have helped anchor our hearts each holiday season. When we only had little kids it felt like a lot of work without a lot of fun, but as the kids get older and their anticipation grows, I’m so glad that we put in the work in those early years.

Also, I’ve had to learn to allow space for so many things not to go according to plan but fully embrace the holiday time in all its fun and many messes. That also includes allowing our children who have been adopted to grieve and have space to be sad that they are not with their birth family or miss them or just don’t understand. It can be hard to sit in the pain in the middle of such a festive season and for so many years I had avoided those feelings, but I truly believe it is the most honoring thing I can do for my kids. 

If you are unsure about what to do this season, just ask how you can support your child or their birth parent(s) and sit with them in their grief. This kind of openness can strengthen the relationship.