The holidays can be a magical time, but for many birth parents, the focus on family and children has the potential to elicit feelings of grief and loss for the child they placed.

If you’re struggling this holiday season, here are some strategies that may help you cope.

Self-Care

A good place to start is self care or, as the Global Self Care Federation puts it, “the practice of individuals looking after their own health using the knowledge and information available to them.”  Self-care has the potential to be promoted as shirking responsibilities in favor of “treating yourself.” In reality, self-care is much more intentional and impactful if you do it right. Sometimes, this does look like taking a ‘mental health day’ or buying your favorite coffee drink. And sometimes, this looks like developing a routine that keeps you grounded, healthy and productive. Self-care can even involve scheduling a therapy session because you know you need to process through something even when you may not feel like it. The goal of self-care is to recharge and empower yourself, so that you can keep moving through life in a healthy way.

As the holiday season approaches, ask yourself some of the following questions:

• What brings me joy? What makes me feel better, feel more alive?
• What routines or activities make me feel healthy without draining my mental, emotional, or physical energy?
• Is there an exercise or a faith practice that helps me feel grounded when I start to feel overwhelmed?
• Is there something new I have been wanting to try?
• What is something I can do first thing in the morning that helps me to have a good day?
• What is something I can do before bed that helps me to calm down and sleep well?

You do not have to address all of these questions at once. Perhaps start with one small change or addition to your daily routine. Self-care is most effective when it is sustainable and does not have to be accomplished alone. It is always a good idea to reach out to a counselor or mental health professional if you feel like you are having a hard time self-caring.

Community

As mentioned above, your holiday grief does not have to be experienced alone. Though your situation is unique to you, there are birth parent support groups filled with individuals who may be able to relate to how you are feeling. Community in the midst of grief can be healing and a support group provides a safe space for people with similar experiences to verbally process together. If you are new to support groups, it is always an option to attend and just listen. Even simply being in a room, listening to stories and experiences of those who have also made the difficult decision to place a child for adoption can be therapeutic.

If you would like to explore this option more, you can check out our online listing of resources for birth parents and/or reach out to one of the adoption counselors to talk more about finding a support group close to you.

Another way to experience community during the holiday season is to get some of your friends or family together and plan a holiday party, dinner, game night, etc. If being alone is hard for you during this season, but you have people in your life that are supportive, reach out and make some new traditions!

Communicate With Your Child

If you have a relationship with your child and their adoptive family, getting in contact with them could be an excellent way to experience joy in the face of grief during the holiday season. Talk with the adoptive family about creating a special holiday tradition for you and your child this time of year.

If you do not have an open adoption with your child or are unable to see them this year, write them a holiday letter and pick out a special card to mail it in. Even if you do not mail the letter, expressing love to your child during the holidays can still be helpful if you are feeling that you have no outlet for your emotions.

Sometimes it’s hard to find a greeting card with the message. If you would like to create your own card, check out the free, printable card options on Canva.

Unsure about what to say to your child? Start with some of these prompts:

• This is what I love about the holiday season: _________________
• My wish for you this holiday season is ______________________
• I want you to know that _____________________

The holiday season is often super-charged with emotion. The highs can feel so high and full of joy, but the lows can be intense as well. While there are many ways to help yourself feel better, it is also good to acknowledge your loss and give yourself permission to feel the emotions. You have made a very difficult decision, and knowing that you made the right choice does not necessarily make the grief process easier. And if you would like some extra support, do not hesitate to reach out to Adoption Advocates counselors. We are here to walk with you through this difficult time. You are not alone.