I have been asked this question by expectant moms and expectant fathers alike on multiple occasions. I can’t tell you what choice to make, but I can share my experience and hope that helps you feel comfortable in your decision.
The best way to convey my experience is through a story. This is something I encountered in one of my first cases at Adoption Advocates, and I have carried it with me into every expectant parent meeting since.
As I sat with my client in the driveway of her home, I realized I expected this question to come up at some point. But still, I was honestly not prepared to answer it. Though I cannot imagine what she was feeling, I could not help but remember my own experience of being a young adult facing an unexpected/unplanned pregnancy. I explained that there was no simple answer to this question, and but it was not my role to decide what they should do. However, this client knew I was a mother and had become one rather unexpectedly, so I knew she was looking for more than a yes or no answer.
I was young, single, broke, and unhealthy when I found out I was pregnant. At the time I did not know what my options were other than to parent. I was raised in a small town with very southern and religious views and it never occurred to me that I had other options. Therefore, I made the decision to parent and hoped I would make a good mom. The difference in my situation and my client’s was in our support network. I have a significant number of people to help me parent my son and they have stepped up to the plate on more than one occasion.
I told my client I could not make this decision for her, but that I would be the guide and sounding board I wished I’d have had.
So we talked about support networks, jobs, dreams, goals, what she wanted the baby to have in life and if she was ready for the sacrifices parents are faced with.
I explained that, to me, parenting meant sacrificing spontaneity and selfish wants in order to provide for a baby. I wouldn’t be able to go on a trip whenever I wanted. I couldn’t spend money on anything I wanted. I couldn’t let a bill be late. I couldn’t never go grocery shopping. I no longer could go out and have drinks with friends at the drop of a hat. I had obligations now. My son needed food and a parent who was present and willing to do whatever it took to make sure they were safe, cared for, looked after, and provided for. I explained that parenting to me was being forced to grow up quickly, like instantly when I saw the little plus sign.
As we talked more and more about what parenting meant in her situation, I realized what she wanted was a 100% guarantee that whatever choice she made was the right one. When I voiced this, she said “Yeah, I just want to know that the baby will be okay no matter what I choose.” The problem is no one can give that kind of guarantee, because we cannot possibly know what the future holds.
As parents — because whether you place or parent your baby you are a parent — we do the best we can with what we are given. We take life a day at a time hoping, praying, that we are making the best decisions for our child(ren) and that we have done what is best for them and not ourselves. The choice to parent or place is difficult, emotional and honestly a leap of faith. You take what information you are given and the cards you are dealt, and you make the best decision you can at the time.
No one can give 100% guarantee that everything will work perfectly and that this decision is the “right” one to make. However, I can tell you everything will work out in the end. It won’t be perfect and it may not be according to plan, but it will work out and you will take any problems or obstacles as they come. By doing this, making a decision, sticking with that decision, and showing your child you have put their needs first, you are showing them how much you love them and reassuring yourself that you did, in fact, make the absolute best decision you could have possibly made.
