Adoption agencies, including Adoption Advocates, often emphasize their commitment to open adoption on their website and in their messaging. But the truth is, a lot of expectant moms come to us saying they want a closed adoption.
What is a closed adoption?
A closed adoption is one in which the birth family and adoptive parents do not exchange information and there is no contact between them.
Common reasons women want a closed adoption
Adoption is hard. Carrying a baby for nine months and then handing your child over to someone else is hard. Some women worry that reminders and updates will make it keep feeling hard, and that it is easier to shut that door completely. Common statements heard about this are “That’s just salt on the wound, or “Out of sight, out of mind, right?” However, you cannot run away from your grief. It is better to face it head-on and walk straight through it.
Is it emotional to see photos of your child? Yes, but most clients report that they love seeing their child happy and healthy — which helps validate their decision and make sense of the grief they experience afterwards.
For other women, it could be an issue of privacy. Some of our clients choose to keep their pregnancy a secret, and do not want to risk that secret getting out. Agencies are bound by confidentiality. Adoptive families also understand this. There are ways to have at least some openness without breaching your confidentiality.
Safety is another reason some birth mothers choose a closed adoption. They may feel that they need to protect the child from an unsafe situation, and want to ensure they cannot be found. Again, we can find ways to get updates to you and ensure confidentiality.
Who Decides If an Adoption Is Open or Closed
At Adoption Advocates, all families must be open to having an open adoption including face-to-face visits. As an expectant parent, it’s your choice whether or not you want this kind of relationship with your adoptive family. You can decide if you want to exchange names and contact information with the adoptive family. You can decide how much of a relationship you want.
These relationships are developed over time and defined by everyone’s unique personalities. These relationships always must be in the child’s best interests and include appropriate boundaries.
It’s important to note that open adoption agreements are not legally enforceable in Texas. These arrangements are built on trust, respect, honesty and open communication. If you are concerned that a family might back out, discuss it with your counselor and the family. This is a normal fear and most of our clients are able to diminish that fear by building that relationship with the family during the pregnancy.
How does a closed adoption affect your child?
Children of closed adoption typically grow up with more questions – and no way to get answers. Everything from their health background and their ancestry to reasons they were placed. The children are more likely to struggle with their identity and sense of belonging. They may experience feelings of rejection or abandonment from not knowing why they were placed for adoption.
Can you change your mind?
In many cases, you can. If you go to an agency that educates their families on the realities of open adoption, the family will know that feelings can change over time. They will be ready for you to enter into their lives when you are ready. They know it’s in their child’s best interests to have a relationship with you and everyone wants what’s best for their children.
Ultimately, it’s your choice how open you want your relationship with the adoptive family to be. And you don’t have to know right away. With Adoption Advocates, this is one of many things we can discuss during the adoption planning process.
Ready to get started? Call (512) 477-1122 or schedule a meeting with an adoption specialist online.
